Raw Thoughts

I have had this in my phone notes since April 2024. It’s not edited. Just my raw thoughts from that day. It’s been a crazy 8 months. I feel like it’s been a game of whack-a-mole! Yes I trust the Lord - but I wasn’t sure which path we were taking, so I wasn’t sure what to trust for! Do I trust we go back and serve in Uganda or do I trust that this is the new path and we are serving in the US?!?! I am sure my heart was saying “Just tell me which way to trust and I’ll do it. I’ll look for You on that path!” 

Well there were zero angelic revelations and no toes miraculously grew back. It was so confusing! Mainly because neither of us felt called away from serving with HVG and in Uganda with HVG - so what in the world?! 

There was lots to process, there were answers to prayers, and there were lots of lessons learned (and lots to keep learning) as I whacked-a-moled my way from path to path trying to figure it all out. 

I don’t really think the point is to figure it out. The point is to choose the manna - just keep to the daily graces and mercies. The point is not knowing which way to trust God - because either way God is trustworthy. I just need to keep the focus on the current day and trust God for the daily manna. My personality type naturally defaults to looking at the future. And I can assure you that a LOT of looking at the future was done. But I think now - it would have been better to calm my heart and settle my mind and choose the manna - choose Jesus that day - and then again the next -  and the next.  I know that sounds confusing to some and I would much rather work in practical daily examples - but that would require a whole book - so for sake of space - you’ll have to dig into your own relationship with Jesus to understand what I mean. 

Also I am His work too. Brent and our kids are His work too. We, personally, matter to Him, not just the work we get to do. Our faith in Him matters to Him. Our trust and submission to Him matters to Him. While it is my joy to serve the Lord, I have to remember that He is where the joy is (thank you Tara Lee Cobble for that phrase) .  It isn’t the where or the what or the how am I serving  - it’s the Who, with a capital W. 

Raw Thoughts, April 2024

“Gosh. Today. I forgot that these hard times and trials are so worth it because it pushes you to God and you see Him and His deep, detailed care of you and the people you love the most. You see the blessings - the gifts - He gave you - even if it wasn’t long enough for you - you still received the gift and loved it for all it was worth. It was worth your whole life. It was the drink offering. 

Though your heart has been smashed against the rocks from the waves the storm is bringing in - you can stand on those rocks and look out across that vastness thru the storm and see the gifts, the graces, the joys that He let you be apart of. He let you see it up close and personal - His most sacred work - people (and that includes yourself). 

Even though the broken parts are scattered all over those rocks - at the same time you are whole, you are known. And if the gifts that have already been given were that good, that sacred, the gifts that will be waiting next are just as good, just as sacred because you are His. You are known and allowed, called to be apart of His sacred work: the people.”

I realize this has been a time of loss. Losses are different for each person and each person handles them the best way they can. 

This was written during a time where I could see nothing on the road ahead. It was all black. But that day, little piece of light streaked through. It was life-giving. Then all the dark came back later. So if you’re in a time of darkness, your streak of light is coming that will speak to your loss exactly how you need it. Just keep watching. Hopefully in time more light will be breaking thru and less and less darkness will be in front of you.