What I told her.....
This is my girl. You don't know her. She's a little ball of fire, full of energy and life. But you don't know that. You don't know her smart mind and quick witt. You don't get to see her artistic skills. You don't get to hear her laugh or see her dark brown eyes.
You've missed it.
Except for the beginning. You were there for the beginning, sort of. I would bet that you even missed some of the beginning and the beginning is the most important. The beginning changes everything and everyone. The beginning maps out her life. Neuro-transmitters connect or sometimes they don't when there is early childhood trauma. The beginning sets your brain for life. All those tiny things of feeding your baby when she cries, looking long hours into her eyes, singing quietly to her, and tickling her feet all aid in brain development. Even though some of the memory traces can be re-written, it could take years to find healing. But those first few moments and the first year brain development is so important.
She was barely two-years-old when she came to our daughter. So tiny and head-strong. It took some time, but eventually she learned to trust and love.
We rented the new Annie movie. This was our second viewing. We've seen the original Annie a thousand times.
However that night something clicked in her little brain about adoption and her life. She connected a few things. She was upset and really tired and grumpy and growling at me. Next she runs to her bed in a flurry of tears and hides under the covers. When I curl up next her she says, "Mommy, can I tell you something?" I tell her she can always tell me anything. Next she says, "I miss my real mommy!"
I didn't see that one coming. I knew about it. At some point I expected the words to come. All the books and studies said so. I guess I wasn't ready for it just right then. My first reaction was to burn all the Annie movies. But instead I sucked in my breath and at that moment I had to separate from her a little bit and see her as YOUR child.
I told her it was ok to miss you and be sad. I told her it was ok to be sad she didn't grow up with you.
I told her that you will stay with her forever. I told her you gave her life. You gave her your genes. I told her you gave her brown hair and brown eyes and brown skin. I told her you tried, but just couldn't take care of her. I'm not sure how her 5-year-old mind interprets that. I told her Jesus was watching her. I told her that He watched her 3-year-old sister give her a bath. I told her that you wanted her to have a new family that could take care of her. I told her Jesus was watching when that happened too. I told her He made it happen so that I could be your new mommy and you could have a new daddy.
I told her things like it was very sad when you lose your family and your country and that makes your heart hurt. I told her Jesus puts a bandaid on your heart. I reminded her that just like the cut on her foot, it might take a long time for the hurt to feel better. I told her that Jesus knew what it was like to lose Someone. I told her that when Jesus was on the cross that His Daddy couldn't look at Him because He had all our sin on us. I told her that even though Jesus died because He took our punishment, He came back to life and now we can go to heaven. I told that we could pray that you would find Jesus and that then she could meet you in heaven and that would be awesome.
She listened the whole time, drinking her chocolate milk out of a sippy cup. (because chocolate milk makes you feel better after a long cry) Sometimes she made eye contact. She did when I told her about praying you would find Jesus and meeting you in heaven.
She never would tell me what made her think of you and miss you so much tonight. I know it something to do with the Annie movie. I can only assume that she thinks about you and misses you more than I do.
She is beginning to grieve her many losses. You needed to be in her life. You, the biological mother, still have great influence on her life even though you aren't here. Your decision to sign a piece of paper may cause her to question love and her worth. I'm sure she will ask if it something that she did to make you give her up. Your decisions caused her to have anger and sensory issues. Your decisions may even effect her decisions as a teen and young adult. I don't understand all the ways that losing your biological family affects someone. I only know it causes trauma to your brain and your heart and brings grief in many ways.
I am not offended because of you. I expect all of our kids to want to know all about you. I expect them to angry at you and take it out on me. I expect them to miss what they don't remember and to cry about it. Although I can't pretend that sometimes my heart is a little jealous because I don't want them to miss you. I want all of them. The truth is that it is ingrained in us before birth to know our biological parents to want their love and acceptance.
My hope is that you loved her and her siblings. My hope is that it was the hard, brave thing for you to give them up because you wanted a life for them. My hope is that you still think about them. My hope is that if they ever search for you and find you, that you will be there for them on that day and be able to answer their questions.
So that's what I told her. Maybe I should have said something different. She has heard most of it before. I'm sure we will have the conversation again and again and that's okay. We get to love her and be her life. She knows that she is precious, wanted, and loved by us and that is the beginning of healing.
***Adoption is hard and sometimes ugly. It is filled with tiny nooks and crooks that you never knew existed in life. It can be scary and really, really bad sometimes. I can shy away from this, because I don't want it to be reality. I have to realize adoption is my everyday life. We have to face it. We don't face it alone. We our village to help us raise our kids. Our two little girls who are dealing with things bigger than they can handle and one little boy who needed more help that we could give him right now. God is for us. God is for the family. God fights for us and our family. He fights for you and your family and all the ugly, crazy issues that you have in your family. He turns ashes into beauty.***
You've missed it.
Except for the beginning. You were there for the beginning, sort of. I would bet that you even missed some of the beginning and the beginning is the most important. The beginning changes everything and everyone. The beginning maps out her life. Neuro-transmitters connect or sometimes they don't when there is early childhood trauma. The beginning sets your brain for life. All those tiny things of feeding your baby when she cries, looking long hours into her eyes, singing quietly to her, and tickling her feet all aid in brain development. Even though some of the memory traces can be re-written, it could take years to find healing. But those first few moments and the first year brain development is so important.
She was barely two-years-old when she came to our daughter. So tiny and head-strong. It took some time, but eventually she learned to trust and love.
We rented the new Annie movie. This was our second viewing. We've seen the original Annie a thousand times.
However that night something clicked in her little brain about adoption and her life. She connected a few things. She was upset and really tired and grumpy and growling at me. Next she runs to her bed in a flurry of tears and hides under the covers. When I curl up next her she says, "Mommy, can I tell you something?" I tell her she can always tell me anything. Next she says, "I miss my real mommy!"
I didn't see that one coming. I knew about it. At some point I expected the words to come. All the books and studies said so. I guess I wasn't ready for it just right then. My first reaction was to burn all the Annie movies. But instead I sucked in my breath and at that moment I had to separate from her a little bit and see her as YOUR child.
I told her it was ok to miss you and be sad. I told her it was ok to be sad she didn't grow up with you.
I told her that you will stay with her forever. I told her you gave her life. You gave her your genes. I told her you gave her brown hair and brown eyes and brown skin. I told her you tried, but just couldn't take care of her. I'm not sure how her 5-year-old mind interprets that. I told her Jesus was watching her. I told her that He watched her 3-year-old sister give her a bath. I told her that you wanted her to have a new family that could take care of her. I told her Jesus was watching when that happened too. I told her He made it happen so that I could be your new mommy and you could have a new daddy.
I told her things like it was very sad when you lose your family and your country and that makes your heart hurt. I told her Jesus puts a bandaid on your heart. I reminded her that just like the cut on her foot, it might take a long time for the hurt to feel better. I told her that Jesus knew what it was like to lose Someone. I told her that when Jesus was on the cross that His Daddy couldn't look at Him because He had all our sin on us. I told her that even though Jesus died because He took our punishment, He came back to life and now we can go to heaven. I told that we could pray that you would find Jesus and that then she could meet you in heaven and that would be awesome.
She listened the whole time, drinking her chocolate milk out of a sippy cup. (because chocolate milk makes you feel better after a long cry) Sometimes she made eye contact. She did when I told her about praying you would find Jesus and meeting you in heaven.
She never would tell me what made her think of you and miss you so much tonight. I know it something to do with the Annie movie. I can only assume that she thinks about you and misses you more than I do.
She is beginning to grieve her many losses. You needed to be in her life. You, the biological mother, still have great influence on her life even though you aren't here. Your decision to sign a piece of paper may cause her to question love and her worth. I'm sure she will ask if it something that she did to make you give her up. Your decisions caused her to have anger and sensory issues. Your decisions may even effect her decisions as a teen and young adult. I don't understand all the ways that losing your biological family affects someone. I only know it causes trauma to your brain and your heart and brings grief in many ways.
I am not offended because of you. I expect all of our kids to want to know all about you. I expect them to angry at you and take it out on me. I expect them to miss what they don't remember and to cry about it. Although I can't pretend that sometimes my heart is a little jealous because I don't want them to miss you. I want all of them. The truth is that it is ingrained in us before birth to know our biological parents to want their love and acceptance.
My hope is that you loved her and her siblings. My hope is that it was the hard, brave thing for you to give them up because you wanted a life for them. My hope is that you still think about them. My hope is that if they ever search for you and find you, that you will be there for them on that day and be able to answer their questions.
So that's what I told her. Maybe I should have said something different. She has heard most of it before. I'm sure we will have the conversation again and again and that's okay. We get to love her and be her life. She knows that she is precious, wanted, and loved by us and that is the beginning of healing.
***Adoption is hard and sometimes ugly. It is filled with tiny nooks and crooks that you never knew existed in life. It can be scary and really, really bad sometimes. I can shy away from this, because I don't want it to be reality. I have to realize adoption is my everyday life. We have to face it. We don't face it alone. We our village to help us raise our kids. Our two little girls who are dealing with things bigger than they can handle and one little boy who needed more help that we could give him right now. God is for us. God is for the family. God fights for us and our family. He fights for you and your family and all the ugly, crazy issues that you have in your family. He turns ashes into beauty.***
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