The Truth
***This post was written on July 7, 2015.***
When we first started this blog, I first named this blog Life More Beautiful. I know, I know, you're rolling your eyes. This blog was designed for friends and family to keep up with us while we were in Peru for five weeks getting our three, little, brown Mowgli children. Blessedly, we were only in Peru for three and a half weeks.
Before becoming parents we heard plenty of phrases from other parents concerning their children. Here are a few, "I can't imagine my life without them." "What did we do before we had children?" "Children are such a blessing." "My children are my sanctification."
In our mind these statements were all said by parents with deep love for their children. Hearing statements like these for years, we had no reason to think it would be any different for us. So we hopped on a plane headed south, fully believing that our life would be the same as our friends, a life more beautiful.
Fast forward five days into Peru. Hot, sweaty, stressed, tired and nervous. Life wasn't exactly more beautiful. This wasn't exactly how I pictured it. Funny thing is, I'm not real sure how I actually pictured parenting! But I was pretty sure this wasn't it.
During the waiting time of our adoption, a friend of ours had some t-shirts printed for us and sold them to help raise money for us. We had a Bible verse printed on the shirt. Isaiah 61:1-3. Beauty from ashes.
I must have thought I knew all about that verse. The youth girl's Bible study that I lead was even named Ashes as a reminder that God brings beauty from our ashes of our lives.
I had/have lots to learn.
I suppose I was actually focused on the beauty part, when I should have been focused on the ashes part. The thing is that beauty comes FROM ashes, so you have go thru the ashes part first before you get to the beauty part. Apparently, no one explained this to me! But one should also know that the God who creates the beauty, also walks through the ashes with you.
Walks, nudges, drags, carries - it's all the same.
Every adoption experience is different. You cannot compare, you can only relate, understand, and empathize. One thing I thought adoption would do was to bring children into a home and create a loving, happy family.
Our children came to us broken. We came to them disillusioned. It is hard to create a loving, happy family when the children have only known a family that is built on fear, distrust, and survival.
All foster/adopted children who are given new families bring their fear, their pain, their losses, their grief with them. No matter what age they are. Even infants, who have emotional bonds from the nine months they spent inside their birth mother's womb, can have a sense of abandonment and other issues. Children manifest this fear, pain, loss, and grief in a million different ways you never thought possible. Running, freezing, fighting, screaming, hiding, disassociation, and pushing back against love just to name a few.
Children who have nothing or have something only for it to be taken away again are overwhelmed and over stimulated at the sight of having everything. They don't know what to do with it nor how to play with it nor do they understand that their needs will be met. They do not feel safety. They only know that adults are not trustworthy and they must rely on themselves to survive.
All of this is exhausting. But still people tell you, "It will get better." or "Fake it till you make it." Those were phrases we heard after we became parents. Only it didn't seem to get better and after awhile you can't fake it anymore. Sometimes it seemed worse. In some circumstances, the truth is, it did get worse.
There were ugly screaming matches and power struggles. Doors slamming. Tears streaming. And tears being held inside - which is worse. There were holes in walls, broken furniture, and broken hearts. There were lies told and mean words shouted. There were even calls to the police, a lawyer, and DHS. This adds on humiliation. Some, not all, but some DHS workers think they own you and they treat you as the enemy (when no one is the enemy) and crumple you into a million pieces. The aftermath of DHS leaves scars that wreak havoc on your heart and mind for years. I hate them.
This wasn't the life more beautiful I had imagined. In fact, it was the exact opposite. It was turning into a life that I regreted. I hated the person I had become. I hated walking on eggshells. I hated anxiety that seemed to have made its home in my stomach. I hated avoiding eye contact. More than that I hated I felt it had to be a secret. People said we were so brave. We weren't brave. We were dying.
I didn't agree with any of the above statements that most people make about their children. I didn't want sanctification this way. I could remember my life before children and it was wonderful. What was happening? To me, to Brent, to the kids. None of it seemed fair, to any of us. What are you supposed to do with children who have more life experience that you do? What happens when you have two adults who were overwhelmed, over-stressed, and feel under-prepared. Although, no one can prepare you for reality. I don't care how many books you read and seminars you attend, nothing can fully prepare you for everything you will encounter with the issues that come with foster and adoption. Why? Because kids aren't textbook.
All of this. These are the ashes. This the part where Jesus walks with you. (ok, let's be honest, really we don't want Jesus to walk with us, we'd all rather Him magically whisk us away from the hard parts and just skip all the bad and instantly get to the rainbow and pots of gold. I mean, where is the "advance to Go, get out jail free" card when you need it?)
Still we have to walk thru the ashes. Along the way there is beauty comes. It doesn't come all at once. It comes quietly. It comes as you give up control and calm down. The beauty that comes is really the beauty of God. The beauty of knowing God in a way you didn't know Him before. The beauty of the heart that is healing. The beauty of a mind that is being renewed by learning a new way of life. The beauty that He never left us.
Steven Curtis Chapman has the song, Beauty from Ashes. I love the picture of the line "we will dance among the ruins". It's so vivid for me. I want to dance among the ruins and laugh at the ashes. I want the celebration of the beauty that has come from the ashes.
Going thru the ashes can become almost unbearable. Sometimes the ashes will make you want to throw in the towel. You really have to have hope and joy. You really have to be still and know that He is God. He is a God who can only be good, always constant, and is sovereign. A God who loves you and your family more that you love yourself and more than you love your kids. A God who can take better care of you and your family way better that you can take care of you and your family. A God who doesn't walk out in your daily failures. A God who gives strength to your heart.
I guess our life is more beautiful. Obviously beauty doesn't come from having the perfect family. Our life is more beautiful because we ARE a family. Our life is more beautiful from the hard parts if we allow them to benefit us. Our life is more beautiful because God has changed us. He is healing the kids. He is making our hearts new. Our life is more beautiful because we know God.
We are always going to have some sort of ashes in our life. But we will always have the beauty of God. We may get to physically dance and celebrate defeating the ashes one day. But the real dancing will be in eternity when the new heaven and new earth have come. Then there will be no more ashes.
When we first started this blog, I first named this blog Life More Beautiful. I know, I know, you're rolling your eyes. This blog was designed for friends and family to keep up with us while we were in Peru for five weeks getting our three, little, brown Mowgli children. Blessedly, we were only in Peru for three and a half weeks.
Before becoming parents we heard plenty of phrases from other parents concerning their children. Here are a few, "I can't imagine my life without them." "What did we do before we had children?" "Children are such a blessing." "My children are my sanctification."
In our mind these statements were all said by parents with deep love for their children. Hearing statements like these for years, we had no reason to think it would be any different for us. So we hopped on a plane headed south, fully believing that our life would be the same as our friends, a life more beautiful.
Fast forward five days into Peru. Hot, sweaty, stressed, tired and nervous. Life wasn't exactly more beautiful. This wasn't exactly how I pictured it. Funny thing is, I'm not real sure how I actually pictured parenting! But I was pretty sure this wasn't it.
During the waiting time of our adoption, a friend of ours had some t-shirts printed for us and sold them to help raise money for us. We had a Bible verse printed on the shirt. Isaiah 61:1-3. Beauty from ashes.
I must have thought I knew all about that verse. The youth girl's Bible study that I lead was even named Ashes as a reminder that God brings beauty from our ashes of our lives.
I had/have lots to learn.
I suppose I was actually focused on the beauty part, when I should have been focused on the ashes part. The thing is that beauty comes FROM ashes, so you have go thru the ashes part first before you get to the beauty part. Apparently, no one explained this to me! But one should also know that the God who creates the beauty, also walks through the ashes with you.
Walks, nudges, drags, carries - it's all the same.
Every adoption experience is different. You cannot compare, you can only relate, understand, and empathize. One thing I thought adoption would do was to bring children into a home and create a loving, happy family.
Our children came to us broken. We came to them disillusioned. It is hard to create a loving, happy family when the children have only known a family that is built on fear, distrust, and survival.
All foster/adopted children who are given new families bring their fear, their pain, their losses, their grief with them. No matter what age they are. Even infants, who have emotional bonds from the nine months they spent inside their birth mother's womb, can have a sense of abandonment and other issues. Children manifest this fear, pain, loss, and grief in a million different ways you never thought possible. Running, freezing, fighting, screaming, hiding, disassociation, and pushing back against love just to name a few.
Children who have nothing or have something only for it to be taken away again are overwhelmed and over stimulated at the sight of having everything. They don't know what to do with it nor how to play with it nor do they understand that their needs will be met. They do not feel safety. They only know that adults are not trustworthy and they must rely on themselves to survive.
All of this is exhausting. But still people tell you, "It will get better." or "Fake it till you make it." Those were phrases we heard after we became parents. Only it didn't seem to get better and after awhile you can't fake it anymore. Sometimes it seemed worse. In some circumstances, the truth is, it did get worse.
There were ugly screaming matches and power struggles. Doors slamming. Tears streaming. And tears being held inside - which is worse. There were holes in walls, broken furniture, and broken hearts. There were lies told and mean words shouted. There were even calls to the police, a lawyer, and DHS. This adds on humiliation. Some, not all, but some DHS workers think they own you and they treat you as the enemy (when no one is the enemy) and crumple you into a million pieces. The aftermath of DHS leaves scars that wreak havoc on your heart and mind for years. I hate them.
This wasn't the life more beautiful I had imagined. In fact, it was the exact opposite. It was turning into a life that I regreted. I hated the person I had become. I hated walking on eggshells. I hated anxiety that seemed to have made its home in my stomach. I hated avoiding eye contact. More than that I hated I felt it had to be a secret. People said we were so brave. We weren't brave. We were dying.
I didn't agree with any of the above statements that most people make about their children. I didn't want sanctification this way. I could remember my life before children and it was wonderful. What was happening? To me, to Brent, to the kids. None of it seemed fair, to any of us. What are you supposed to do with children who have more life experience that you do? What happens when you have two adults who were overwhelmed, over-stressed, and feel under-prepared. Although, no one can prepare you for reality. I don't care how many books you read and seminars you attend, nothing can fully prepare you for everything you will encounter with the issues that come with foster and adoption. Why? Because kids aren't textbook.
All of this. These are the ashes. This the part where Jesus walks with you. (ok, let's be honest, really we don't want Jesus to walk with us, we'd all rather Him magically whisk us away from the hard parts and just skip all the bad and instantly get to the rainbow and pots of gold. I mean, where is the "advance to Go, get out jail free" card when you need it?)
Still we have to walk thru the ashes. Along the way there is beauty comes. It doesn't come all at once. It comes quietly. It comes as you give up control and calm down. The beauty that comes is really the beauty of God. The beauty of knowing God in a way you didn't know Him before. The beauty of the heart that is healing. The beauty of a mind that is being renewed by learning a new way of life. The beauty that He never left us.
Steven Curtis Chapman has the song, Beauty from Ashes. I love the picture of the line "we will dance among the ruins". It's so vivid for me. I want to dance among the ruins and laugh at the ashes. I want the celebration of the beauty that has come from the ashes.
Going thru the ashes can become almost unbearable. Sometimes the ashes will make you want to throw in the towel. You really have to have hope and joy. You really have to be still and know that He is God. He is a God who can only be good, always constant, and is sovereign. A God who loves you and your family more that you love yourself and more than you love your kids. A God who can take better care of you and your family way better that you can take care of you and your family. A God who doesn't walk out in your daily failures. A God who gives strength to your heart.
I guess our life is more beautiful. Obviously beauty doesn't come from having the perfect family. Our life is more beautiful because we ARE a family. Our life is more beautiful from the hard parts if we allow them to benefit us. Our life is more beautiful because God has changed us. He is healing the kids. He is making our hearts new. Our life is more beautiful because we know God.
We are always going to have some sort of ashes in our life. But we will always have the beauty of God. We may get to physically dance and celebrate defeating the ashes one day. But the real dancing will be in eternity when the new heaven and new earth have come. Then there will be no more ashes.
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