Redemption/Depression, Part 1
I recently read back thru a few blog posts of a girl I know. She has a good story and I was trying to remember some of what she said. It squeezed my heart. Just very sad, very raw. I just wanted to hug her so tight and let her cry. I still don't know what I could have said to her. She was drowning in life. I thought she was brave for posting those words. Her pain was deep. You could see she was trying to hope in God, but it seemed rehearsed and empty. It was a belief that was rooted in experience and faith. It was her belief that was keeping her above the water. She needed to be carried thru that season. It was a long season.
Here are excerpts from different posts. Can you relate?
"I am really not strong enough for this job. I read stories of people who are weak and God gives them a task and they rise to occasion becoming stronger, better, more mature and grown up, more like Jesus, etc. I haven't. Some days I dread getting up. Some days I dread the rest of my life."
"There are too many sides to the story. I wish people knew what we really went thru. But they would be the judges and I'm good at judging myself and I don't need anymore judges. I just want things to change for the better."
"I may die. At least that's what it feels like. My legs hurt, my arms and wrists are shaking. I have a knot in my stomach. I may throw my insides up, this is terrifying to me because I feel like it won't stop. I'm also cold and hot at the same time. I can't handle this. I'm afraid and scared and sad and I don't want this to be happening. I am afraid to go to sleep at night because I know these panic attacks till come. I am afraid of being alone during an attack."
"I don't really want to go to church tomorrow because I don't think I can hold it in. It would be so much better if I had someone to talk with. I'm trying hard to 'be still and know', but I don't think it's working or maybe I'm not doing it right. I don't know what to believe anymore about certain things. But right now, I need to sleep."
"The pastor's sermon today was really good. It went with everything over the past week. Jesus wants to sit with us or us sit with Him rather than fix the problem. That's really hard."
"I'm tired of being sad. I want happy and laughter. I know that's not the goal in life. But sometimes, there is too much sad and you need happy and laughter."
"God is for us. God is for the family. God fights for us and our family. He fights for you and your family and all the ugly, crazy issues that you have in your family. He turns ashes into beauty."
"The summer was a blur and yet I feel I remember every thing that happened. I slowly changed. But I changed into a person I didn't like. Someone I didn't know. I didn't know how to find myself. who was I? Where did I go? How do I find me again? I didn't like this new me and I hates that couldn't find the old me. I didn't even know how to be the new me. The new me didn't know enough. Didn't love enough. This new me didn't even participate in activities is that I used to love doing. The new me was desperately trying to find something to define the new me. Most efforts were failures leading the new me to feel defeated in every part of my life."
"But the new me kept pushing forward a little bit. Some days there wasn't a step forward, there were days with many steps backward. Some days, I could only stand. Sometimes I even had to lean against something or Someone just to stand. As little as it seemed, there was growth."
"Mindsets have to change and you have to let yourself off the hook and let others off the hook. Take a breather and focus. Change is ok. God brings beauty from the ashes. He makes new hearts. He sits as a Refiner of silver. I am still adjusting to the new me. Maybe I have accepted it a little more.
"I want to be different. I want life. I want God to be doing something I can see now."
"We had a college girl come live with us for the summer. At the beginning of the summer she texted me to say that she was so excited about this summer. I immediately sent her a message back telling her that we were a broken, messed up family and she might not be so excited. See, I was a little embarrassed. And prideful. I yell at the kids. Part of me thought I had secondary post-traumutic stress. In our brokenness, we rarely had people over to the house for dinner, because we never knew what would happen after school. We knew that the reality of our life would be too shocking for some people who think that families in ministry are perfect. I was afraid that when she came to our house, it would all come to light. Our cover would be blown and she would see the broken and we would be less in her eyes."
"...God certainly took us in deeper waters. He was cultivating faith in my soul. I found that God was in the mystery of the unknowns of my life."
"One thing we learned about God's goodness is that it isn't always about happiness and flowers. That's how I have determined if something is good at least. If everything/everyone is safe, happy, etc. then you know...it's good. However,
Romans 8:28 says:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."
But have you ever read verse 29? It is very much connected to verse 28. Romans 8, verse 29:
"For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that he might be the first born among many brothers and sisters."
I underlined part of verse 29. You have to pay attention to that part:
"to be conformed to the image of His Son...."
The good that God works in us is that that He uses all things to conform us to the image of His Son. The good is that we become like Jesus, not that the happenings of our life end with "happily ever after". Our "happily ever after" comes when Revelation has been completed."
"So when God leads you to where you have to trust without borders, He goes with you. He helps you walk on the waters and picks you up when you stop believing and sink into the waves. He wants to take us deeper because He knows it is best."
"Jesus makes all the difference. Maybe He won't wave a magic wand and make the trouble disappear, but when you come to Him, He will give you faith, hope, and love. He will give you freedom."
The further I read...and there were many, many years of posts... I noticed there was a difference. The darkness was mostly gone and only seem to show up again every once and awhile. Now, there was a song in her heart. A song of strength. The strength came from God. Her words were not so self-condemning or questioning of God. Well, there were probably a few questions, but her tone was different.
What happened? She finally started believing that God could redeem all of it. ALL. OF. IT. She finally started acting on that belief. She started renewing her mind. She started understanding that redemption might look different than she thought it should. She realized that sometimes her circumstances changed, but it had everything to do with changing her heart.
(In case you haven't figured it out by now, this girl is me. As I re-read all these posts that I never published, I was shocked, I couldn’t believe that was me. I had no idea how dark things were until I got into the light.)
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