The Pen

I really don't know where to start. It's been a heavy month and a half. I don't really want to share details either. Sometimes this is hard because vague posts can be confusing. But I think most people can relate to the general thought/feelings here. 

It begins with worry. Fear. Confusion. Helplessness. Probably some anger. Anyone relating so far? 

Several weeks ago, I was sitting at the dining room table, just thinking about the worry, the fear, the confusion, and being angry about it all. The helplessness wrapped it all up in a knot - I had no idea what to do, how to help or change the situationS in our life. 

I glanced at the pen twirling around in my hand. It was from the women's retreat I went on in March. The theme was "Let Go and Let God". I thought it was odd, at the retreat, because several speakers talked about how this retreat was meant just for [all the women attending]. The whole time, I was thinking, "this theme totally does not apply to me. I'm sure I've taught some sort of lesson to students before on this theme. This is so weird. Why am I here?"  I was there because I very much wanted to see my friend, Christy, before we left for a few years. Turns out - the theme wasn't about applying it to the past for me, it was about applying it to the future. Only I didn't know it then - (obviously). 

The theme verse was Psalm 55:22.  I couldn't remember what the verse said, so I looked it up on my phone,

"Cast your burden upon Yahweh and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

The first phrase is what I focused on. I don't really understand the second. 

I have been using the Legacy version of the Bible on my phone. It came with a little number before the word the "your burden" - meaning there was another way to say it or a different word used. I always like to check things like this out, so I clicked it. This is how the verse reads, 

"Cast [what He has given you] upon Yahweh and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

That really reframed the verse for me. If you think in fishermen terms - like casting a reel - you throw  back on Yahweh what He has given you. What. He. Has. Given. You/Me. My thoughts were many. God knew about these circumstances. He let them come to me. Maybe He literally gave them to me. He allowed it. So you give it back to Him. He already knows what do with it and how it's going to turn out. But how do I "cast" what He gave me back to Him? Is this a practical, action thing? In a way, yes. I just keep living. I go through the day.

At that point, it was time to get up from the table. So I had to leave my thoughts and keep going through the day with the next thing.....and it was the simple task of making tortillas so we could all eat supper that night. 

I messaged my wise friend about it later that night. I picked her since she was the reason I went to the women's retreat anyway. Annddd I wanted to make sure I wasn't reading anything into it. I just looked at A PEN and was curious about the Bible verse. She told me that those were "really good words the Lord had spoken to me and that He knows what's going to happen so me worrying about it wasn't going to change anything. She said if I had to confess my worry 1,000 times a day, then do it!

The wisdom kept coming from her:

"Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We think up every possible scenario we can when we just need to take it one day at a time. Most things we think up won't happen. You do what you can today. Take the first step. He gives us our daily manna, just enough so that tomorrow we can come back to Him and say 'what do You have for me today!' "

Later on, as I reread her message, I chuckled at myself. She didn't realize it, but all the things she told me were part of the reasons why I named this blog, Choosing Manna. !! And I had forgotten! Actually I never even put my choosing manna mantra into any of these current situations. Thank the Lord for wise friends who bring you back to the truth and understand and are also humble enough admit the hardness of acting on it themselves. 

So I have been sort of focusing on this verse the last few weeks. Some days have gone well, other days have not gone well. It's still heavy around here. 

Yesterday brought a new thought. So I'll be back with that thought soon. 

That's all I can write for today. I just wanted to share this with you. Maybe you need these words too.