Learning to Sit in the Unknown.
My sleep schedule is so off. So you get a blog post. Over the past couple of weeks, Notes has been the most app on my phone. I write everything down or at least most things. I write them just for me, so I can keep track of my thoughts and where I am at, but at the same time I wanted to share them because I like sharing with you. However, I kept them for awhile because my thoughts come randomly as I am still sorting out myself out.
I asked Brent today if he thought walking would be hard with his right foot. He said yes. Two toes are missing, so he won't be able to use his toes to push off when he steps. He was thinking that maybe it would like taking a step with his left foot and then more of a shuffle step with his right foot, probably more pressure on the heel. Already his right foot is starting to turn outward to compensate from his knee and leg being drawn up on the scooter, even just when his leg is propped up while he is sitting.
I have been thinking we need to get him a cool cane. He has been thinking about it, but wants to wait and see how walking actually goes for him.
That's why the future is up in the air. We don't really know how it will go. I'm still holding out crazy hope that somehow we will be able to return to Uganda full-time. I mean Jesus put a guys ear back on right there in the garden. Two toes would be just as easy. (wink) I know that two toes will not be growing back, but you have to keep a sense of humor about life. Didn't Mary Poppins teach us that "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"?
I have already told you that we have seen God's sovereignty in several ways concerning all of this. One of them is the little cottage we are staying in. It's like a little hideaway, off where no one can see us or find us. We have really loved it. This space is calm and it's easy to be outside. Even all the animals bring a sense of healing along with the house. These little puppies that have been born has been life-giving for us all. Somehow caring for something that cannot care for itself brings healing to sad hearts. Ok - the fact that they are the cutest little balls of fluff you have ever seen doesn't hurt either.
It dawned on me one day that God knew how sad this would be for us. He knew we would need a space to be sad and to sort through our thoughts and the changes that will come because of the loss of Brent's toes. I know it's just 2 little toes, but it's a big deal.
At a conference, I attended in February the speaker said in her talk that in our lives sometimes we want to jump to the glory at the end of story instead of sitting in the suffering. I don’t think I ever heard that expressed that way before. She was so right. We want to move right past whatever it is that is going on that we don’t like and get right to the good and the glory part of Romans 8:28.
But that's not how life works. I even taught about in those trauma classes. It's called a False Bridge when you just try to go straight from hurt to healed. You have to walk through the hurt to get to the healing and that takes awhile. God knows that you can't rush grief. Even though I really want to rush through it and come out on the other side all happy and glorious. I have to walk through it. Actually, I think it never leaves. Grief just stays with you, but it doesn’t have to sit around and squash you down. The Holy Spirit can lift it up and carry it for you, even though you'll still feel it.
I have talked with several people in the past two weeks and they have all said the same thing. It’s the same thing I know too - just sit in the unknown.
Let me tell you something, my brain does not sit! It wants to run ahead and see what is next and how this is all going to work out.
I want to use this time to get prepared, rushing around doing this or that so I can be ready for the next season, whatever it may be. But you know what? That is NOT sitting in the unknown. That is me – striving. But if I am in an unknown season and I don’t know what is next – then how am I supposed to know what to prepare? I can’t possibly know. But aren’t I supposed to be using my time wisely? Yes, but who is the Keeper of Time in the first place? Doesn’t He know best how your time should be used? Sometimes your time is best used by not producing. Our worth is not based on how productive we are each day.
Well I didn’t know I was going to write those sentences above so now I’m just preaching to myself and telling you the things I should be telling myself. :)
There are different types of resting and everyone rests differently. Sometimes it is getting lost in a movie or two. Sometimes it is doing something you love to do as hobby - like wood-working, photography, or cooking. Sometimes it is learning something new thru reading or listening to a podcast. Nature is restful. Which is why I think being here on this farm has been so helpful. Resting can simply be doing daily tasks to care for your family and not worrying about whether the house is clean or not. Hopefully for Christians, rest involves prayer and reading God's Word.
I'm thinking if you're grieving, you need rest.
Learning to sit in the unknown, requires rest.
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