Breathe

I'll start by stating the obvious: being a parent changes you. When I became a mom, I felt like I lost myself. All of sudden there were 3 kids in our house and we were the grown-ups. I didn't know who I was anymore. I stopped doing things I enjoyed doing because being an insta-mom was overwhelming. I didn't even sing in the choir anymore. Once, someone told me "it's okay, just smile." Apparently I quit smiling. I hardly knew what to tell our 5 year-old when she asked what was my favorite color. Being a mom was NOTHING like all my friends seemed to be experiencing. I was confused. Did other mom's feel like me? I didn't think they did. 

If you have read any part of this blog, then you know that we just survived that first summer. We survived off other people's prayers for us because I couldn't. I remember my mom was over at the house one day and I had to lay down for a nap, only tears were streaming as she said "it's going to be okay." I don't know if I said it out loud, but I know I thought, "no it will never be okay again." Well four years later she was right. We are okay. We have moved on past surviving. I think I smile more. I can cook eggs and the kids unload the dishwasher. It may not have been pretty at times, but somehow we have managed to keep five people alive. Sometimes I laugh at the thought that we are parents and the kids are fed, have clean clothes, and go to sleep at a decent time.  Who knew? 

We also moved twice since we brought the kids home. After this move, I found myself a bit. I can tell Ek my favorite color. I jumped on the bandwagon and started taking photography classes. I also decided to learn to crochet (I know, just call me grandma!) My mammow used to crochet all the time, so I thought it would be fun to keep it going. Maybe in January, I'll pick the piano up again. 

We have a lot challenges, but most people do if you really get to know them. My main challenge is me. I don't like some of the ways I feel becoming a parent changed me. Parenting also brings about new stresses in marriage. I don't like that either. But as we have learned, "grace abounds in deepest waters".

There is a picture in my mom's house. It's a cross with a heart in the middle of it. The words faith, hope, and love are written on it. 

I remember one night laying down with a sleeping child looking at the artwork. It had been a rough few days. (living with your parents will bring about a few rough days. just ask my mom!) My thought while looking at that cross was that "I am not as strong as Jesus. I am not strong enough to do this on my own. I do not have enough faith, love, and hope by myself. I run out. I need to be filled."

The cross is the place where you go to get faith, where you go to get love and where you go to get hope. You ask for it there; realizing that without the cross there wouldn't be any faith, hope, or love to get.

I can struggle with this asking part. There are a lot of things that may have been different if I had wrapped myself around the cross. Maybe I wouldn't have lost so much of myself.  It wasn't on purpose or even an accident, I just fell into a routine of survive-the-overwhelming-busy day. If I had paused for even 15 minutes, my overwhelmed heart and mind could have had a chance to breathe and find some help.

I don't know where you are finding yourself in this season of life. Even in seasons of abundance we still need to go to the cross for strength. It reminds us who has given us this abundance. No matter how good our circumstance, we are not as strong as Jesus. We are coming into the time where hope began in the middle of the night when a certain Baby cried for the first time. This time of year marks the beginning where faith came into sight and Love showed us how to love. Before He went to the cross, He told us we were going to have trouble in this world and we needed to abide in Him. We needed Him to have strength. We should come to Him when we are weary and tired.

Jesus makes all the difference. Maybe He won't wave a magic wand and make the trouble disappear, but when you come to Him, He will give you faith, hope, and love. He will give you freedom.

***********

 I heard this song recently. I thought you might enjoy it.