A letter to our friends and family
Please read. This is important for you to help us as the kids adjust to their new family and country. **I did not write the following letter - it is taken from some dear friends who have also adopted. But this letter shares what we would like for you to know.**
Dear Family & Friends,
We know that each of you receiving this letter has, in some way, supported, loved and prayed for us. Because we know your care for our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around them to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically and spiritually.
In many ways, Hugo, Olenka, and Cesia will be like the children any other children. We want parent like other Christian families as we bring all of them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But there will be a few, initial differences. For years now, we have researched bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an orphanage setting. Morning Star Children's Home did a great job of creating of family atmosphere at their orphanage. But with 18 children to care for, it was just a bit different than a completely normal family setting.
We are confident of this: God’s design is PERFECT! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom/dad feeds & calms the baby - which teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as their parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal from these emotional wounds. When Hugo, Olenka, and Cesia comes home, they will be overwhelmed. Everything around them will be new and they will need to learn not just about the new environment, but also about love and family.
The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed them. As this repeats between us, they will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once the kids start to establish this important bond, then they will be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.
The kids will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help them heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our kids settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults and students limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with the kids. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Hugo, Olenka, and Cesia should know that the people with whom they interacts are our trusted friends.In their culture it is well accepted that everyone is a Tio or Tia (aunt or uncle). We will have to teach them who is family and who are friends. They will most likely greet you with a kiss, as is custom in their country, we ask that instead, please shake hands or offer a high five.
Another area is redirecting their desire to have their physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. To share this is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have the kids hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you. But until they has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct them to us if you see that they are seeking out food, affection or comfort.
We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our kids. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past two years. If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!
Love,
Brent and Marianne
Dear Family & Friends,
We know that each of you receiving this letter has, in some way, supported, loved and prayed for us. Because we know your care for our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around them to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically and spiritually.
In many ways, Hugo, Olenka, and Cesia will be like the children any other children. We want parent like other Christian families as we bring all of them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But there will be a few, initial differences. For years now, we have researched bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an orphanage setting. Morning Star Children's Home did a great job of creating of family atmosphere at their orphanage. But with 18 children to care for, it was just a bit different than a completely normal family setting.
We are confident of this: God’s design is PERFECT! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom/dad feeds & calms the baby - which teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as their parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal from these emotional wounds. When Hugo, Olenka, and Cesia comes home, they will be overwhelmed. Everything around them will be new and they will need to learn not just about the new environment, but also about love and family.
The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed them. As this repeats between us, they will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once the kids start to establish this important bond, then they will be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.
The kids will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help them heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our kids settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults and students limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with the kids. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Hugo, Olenka, and Cesia should know that the people with whom they interacts are our trusted friends.In their culture it is well accepted that everyone is a Tio or Tia (aunt or uncle). We will have to teach them who is family and who are friends. They will most likely greet you with a kiss, as is custom in their country, we ask that instead, please shake hands or offer a high five.
Another area is redirecting their desire to have their physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. To share this is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have the kids hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you. But until they has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct them to us if you see that they are seeking out food, affection or comfort.
We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our kids. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past two years. If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!
Love,
Brent and Marianne
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We love you all so much and we continue to hold you in our prayers. Please don't hesitate to call, even just to talk.